STAYING CENTERED IN DEVELOPING THE ADULT EGO STATE -

"Rewarding Recognition Hunger AS The key To Motivation"

TA’s Theory Of Social Psychology

Berne studied Rene Spitz World War II (1945) research regarding the need for recognition, relationship, and physical touch as common to all men. Spitz found that an individual’s need for recognition, relationship, and touch was (and is!) as necessary, if not more necessary, than their need for food and water. Berne referred to this need as “stimulus hunger”.

Spitz, and others, found that infants raised in an orphanage who were simply fed and housed were far more likely to develop emotional difficulties as compared to children brought up in a functional home with their parents where they received positive touch and love. He found that children deprived of touch and recognition will, in some cases, even die. He also found that soldiers who were prisoners in the Korean War, when deprived of recognition and relationship, either supplied it by hallucinating, or died.

We are frequently reminded of our great need for recognition when a spouse, clerk in a department store, or grocery store employee ignores our existence and just keeps talking to his or her other friends as through we do not exist. We are also reminded when a driver of another car cuts across in front of us, as though we do not exist, or presents a negative gesture to us because they feel we were not driving fast enough to get out of their way when they were late for work or just in a hurry.

When we are annoyed or feel insulted by other people we are reminded that the need for recognition and relationship is behind every choice that we make from our conception to our death. A great quote regarding our need for recognition, relationship, and touch comes from II Corinthians 5:18 “Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation”. Reconciliation, means to pursue intimacy by taking risks and pursuing honest exchange, mutual respect for differences, clarity of understanding, and trust in relationships.

“Warm Fuzzy” And “Cold Prickly” Strokes

As Recognition For Existence

Berne defined a stroke as recognition for the existence of another person. He taught that people hunger for recognition through strokes. He also taught that the need for recognition is so great that an individual will even seek negative recognition and consider it better than no recognition at all. He referred to positive strokes as “Warm Fuzzies” and negative strokes as “Cold Pricklies”.

Different types of strokes, and “stroking patterns”, include:

• Verbal, such as “Hello”, and Non-verbal recognition, such as a handshake
• Positive recognition, such as words of encouragement
• Negative recognition, such as constructive criticism, negative condemnation, or discounting strokes from someone
• Conditional recognition, such as “Good work”, and Unconditional recognition, such as “You are a very special person”
• Flattery is disguised as positive stroking, and considered to be part of “the stroking patterns to
  manipulate others”

Discounting can refer to either ignoring an individual’s existence or giving that individual negative attention or recognition. We can discount a concern for ourselves personally or for another person in one or more of the following ways:

• By refusing to take the concern seriously and not taking the time to listen to it and understand the
  concern

• By responding to the concern as not really being important at all through listening and not following through to help address the concern

• Or by responding to proposed attempts to come up with a solution by saying that such attempts
  will not make things any better, giving the impression that the only solution is to learn to live with the concern or problem

 Structuring Time - The “Risk” In Recognition Hunger

We all have learned patterns for structuring time and avoiding the perceived risk of psychological rejection. We may need to change these patterns in order to better facilitate communication with a spouse, child, or friend. Withdrawal-no risk; Intimacy-great risk!

Withdrawal most often refers to consciously or unconsciously withdrawing emotionally and/or psychologically into fantasies of uncensored pleasure or violence, or into unconscious dreams of desire to change our childhood past between the ages of 4-12. Waiting for parents to change so the past dream(s) can come true.

Rituals are simple hello’s, goodbyes, good mornings, and responses such as “Fine, how are you?” that provide a way for strangers to give one another recognition in the shortest amount of time possible without great risk of time or emotion. Some, but very little risk!

Pastimes are ways of giving and receiving recognition by talking about things that are superficially safe, such as the weather. They also provide opportunity to figure out whether or not it is safe to invest more time in pursuing a more intimate relationship with each individual.

Games are ways for an individual to move into relationships where they will be allowed to move back and forth between positive and negative recognition for one another according to their individual perceived level of risk at any one time…the TA Drama Triangle!

Activities are a way of moving into relationships that focus on accomplishing a task together such as serving on a committee, playing in a band, etc. Committees present increased risk because there is a mutual exchange of different ideas and often a need to work toward understanding differences and reaching a consensus.

Intimacy involves the greatest risk in relationship and recognition because it is based on a desire, and willingness, to invest the time it takes to consistently maintain honest exchange, mutual respect for differences, clarity of understanding, and trust in relationships.

Participants in counseling sessions are asked to complete an enclosed worksheet on Recognition prior to returning to the next counseling session so that they can learn the tools of TA for themselves and share them with their families and friends. There is a Hunger For Recognition worksheet avaible (upon request) to help you personally apply the informaton contained in this posting.
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